People who know me well know that I don’t like uncertainty. As much as I focus on mindfulness, I am mindfully aware that uncertainty feels uncomfortable to me.
I want a plan and I want to follow the plan. When there is no plan or the plan changes, I get kinda crazy.
The colleagues I teach with know that when we are preparing for a class I obsess over details. Once the class has started I relax and roll with the flow of how the class unfolds – I’m even OK when the plan goes out the window.
For me, the past few months have been multiple lessons in uncertainty. But, I haven’t wanted to access the flow or roll with it. I wanted my plan – not what life offered to me.
Leola Mae Johnson Moore
May 14, 1922 – September 30, 2018
Your Hypnosis Health Info Hypnotic Suggestion for today:
I give thanks for the love in my life.
The uncertainties that life has presented to me are first-world problems. I haven’t had to live through a hurricane and I’ve always had plenty of food, a warm bed and the love and support of my family and friends. For this I give thanks.
The challenges were computer woes – the SSD drive on my computer crashed. My computer is my business world. My documents, client data and I’m embarrassed to say, many of my passwords are all stored on the hard drive. But, without the SSD, there is no access to the hard drive.
Dell sent out a technician with a new SSD drive – of course none of the programs on the old SSD drive are on the new one. So, I knew that many hours would be spent downloading programs and setting up just like you do with a new computer.
Adding to the mix of challenges was the fact that I was flying to Vegas on Monday to teach a class and Dell wasn’t coming until Tuesday.
I managed to piece together what I needed for my class. On the way to the ferry, a tire had low pressure on my wife’s car and of course someone was ahead of us getting air.
We got caught in road construction and missed the ferry. On the next ferry I received a text that my flight was delayed by one hour – so the good news was that I still had time to take the light rail to the airport.
As I approached the gate for my flight, I called to talk to my mom. My sister answered and I found out my 96-year-old mom had some form of a cardiac event (probable stroke).
It was afternoon and mom had not yet been out of bed. She wouldn’t wake up.
In that moment a major problem became a minor one. What I once thought was big time woes shifted perspective. Still a challenge, but oh well.
In talking with my sister, we agreed to request hospice services for my mom. I hesitated getting on the plane, but I did.
By the time I arrived in Vegas, it was clear I would not be teaching and I needed to go back to Seattle on Tuesday and then to Colorado on Wednesday to Mom’s. We bought one-way tickets not knowing how long we’d be there.
Talk about being immersed in uncertainty! In one day, (Thursday) we went from believing Mom wouldn’t last through the night to having her wake up, ask for water and then coffee. She even ate solid food – her first meal in 4 days. She was resting comfortably, eating and drinking.
When the hospice care nurse came on Friday she couldn’t believe it. There was Mom having visitors, talking, laughing and teasing everyone. She even had urine output.
Mom and I had several conversations about the fact that she is actively dying. She understood that and at 96 she was ready. She did tell me she’d hoped to travel more and walk one more time in the wet sand on the beach. I told her it is good to die with her hopes intact to which she giggled and nodded in agreement.
Hospice told us that Mom may live for days or even weeks. With that, we said our good-byes to Mom on Sunday and flew home. In the early hours of the following Sunday morning the phone rang, we knew with the first ring that Mom had taken her last breath.
Life presents lots of uncertainties. When I get crazy when my plan goes awry, I am being less than my Best Self. Intellectually, I understand that just because I have a plan that doesn’t make it a certainty. I do get that. But emotionally, when I don’t know what the plan is, I’m experiencing fear and confusion.
My Mom was actually pretty good with rolling with life provided to her. That’s a lesson I can still learn from her.
In the days leading up to and following Mom’s passing, it’s been clear to me that when I am being my Best Self, I live in the certainty of LOVE. The certainty that I was loved by my Mom and that I am loved by my wife, family and friends. That’s all that really matters.
I do know that uncertainty will occur again in my life. And, I’m pretty sure that the next time my computer crashes I’ll experience craziness. I’ll allow myself that – I am still human. Hopefully, I will remember to be my Best Self and live in the Certainty of Love – even when life is happening and it’s outside of my plan. I give thanks for the love in my life.
Subscribe to my daily blog posts now, right there in the sidebar.